As a counselor and psychotherapist, I accept worked with clients across general practitioner (GP) surgeries, private exercise, charities, universities and mental health settings. This has included a diverse range of adult individuals, couples and groups and I accept been fortunate plenty to assistance clients with an array of personal and human relationship bug, including those who accept experienced infidelity in a human relationship.

Over the course of 11 years, I have learned that the reasons people cheat are complicated, varied, and rarely what they start seem. I take seen examples where adulterous has been a cry for help, a sign one or both partners are not coping, a desperate attempt to save the relationship, or an indicator that one partner is feeling trapped. Sometimes, it's fifty-fifty role of a wider pattern of addictive, self-destructive behaviour.

We talk nigh "cheaters" as though information technology is a stock-still personality that defines them, but in my experience it's commonly more than complex than this. I've besides observed that adulterous is not gender specific, and though many cultural narratives atomic number 82 us to believe that a "cheater" is a morally bad person, in my experiences, cheating behaviour is rarely about expert or bad.

When clients discover a partner has cheated, it can be difficult to reconcile this behaviour with the multitude of other ways in which the cheater might take been loving. When children are involved, the discovery can be harrowing and adds an extra layer of complication around what feels like a struggle between doing what's all-time for the children and doing what'due south best for the person who has been cheated on.

But, I believe that phrases like "once a cheater, always a cheater" aren't actually helpful, and the pressure to get out a relationship from well-significant friends and family is often a lot easier said than done.

Non every human relationship has to break down after cheating, sometimes I take observed that it's a symptom of something wrong between the couple, and this outcome can exist worked through in relationship therapy.

infidelity, cheating, relationships, therapy
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Other times I have seen partners who have had to take some time and support to eventually work out that they practice want to leave. Of course, either option is painful, and recovery from betrayal takes time. Remember, adulterous isn't always even about sex—betrayals can happen in a multitude of ways. But gut feelings are a actually important factor. Nobody but you knows the truth of what goes on inside your relationship, so while the post-obit signs below might be an indicator of adulterous, trust yourself to know what'southward correct, and seek out aid for yourself if necessary.

Sign 1: They've get really practiced at lying at the footling, innocuous things

Did you lot run across your partner unexpectedly at the mall the other day, but when you casually inquire what they were doing, they told y'all a long-winding story that sounds plausible but unnecessarily detailed? Does information technology seem similar they're making things up on the wing? A sudden feeling that your partner is non existence entirely truthful can be an indicator of infidelity. I had one client who spotted her partner in a role of boondocks she hadn't expected to see him. She was then ignored when she waved and later that evening had him feign surprise at being seen. Her partner then asked a lot of questions nigh existence spotted, which can be a tool used by cheaters to try and decipher whether they accept been defenseless out. Sadly, my client later learned her partner had been at a bar with his recent liaison from a dating app.

Sign 2: They get defensive at well-meaning interactions

Y'all might have the best of intentions towards your partner but they assume you're trying to catch them out at every turn. I have seen countless examples, in relationships where i partner is cheating, of innocent questions similar, "why is the ketchup in the fridge not the cupboard?" being met with disproportionate responses such as, "I just forgot to put information technology there! What, don't you lot trust me!?"

Sign 3: They gaslight you

Sometimes, and particularly in the example of domestic corruption within a relationship, the type of interaction described in sign two could actually be an indication your partner is gaslighting you lot. The person cheating could well be the ane asking questions with the intention of tripping you upward.

I have had a customer who had cleaned up all the dishes, but then returned back to the kitchen after only to discover muddy plates by the sink. Her partner suggested she was lying to encompass up something else, and questioned where she'd been all afternoon instead of tidying. It turns out he was cheating on her.

I recommend that if you are being made to experience "every bit if" you're adulterous when yous're not, or if y'all're existence made to experience similar you don't trust your partner, gaslighting may be occuring. If this gaslighting is role of a wider pattern of domestic corruption, I would urge you to reach out to an organization that tin can help you.

infidelity, cheating, relationships, therapy
Katerina Georgiou is a counselor and psychotherapist based in London. Katerina Georgiou

Sign 4: They accuse you of accusing them of cheating or they (sort of) cocky-confess

I take had instances where a client has seen a situation such every bit arguing about the laundry and the side by side minute, their partner has blurted out something like, "what, you think I'm cheating!?" Interestingly, cheating wasn't fifty-fifty in my client's mind at the time, but it eventuated that the partner who blurted this out was indeed cheating. The reality is, guilt can often gnaw abroad at a person who's cheating, and lead to fear that yous've "institute them out". This volition atomic number 82 to unravelling and what amounts to a near self-confession, without directly maxim it.

Sign five: You got together via cheating, or they have a history of cheating

Some clients who met their partner when they were both in other relationships take gone on to crook, or they are cheated on, in their new relationship together. In my observations, the pattern of adulterous follows is oft like: once the day to day reality of living together hits, pangs of unhappiness return and they again find refuge in another shoulder to cry on.

If you and your partner were cheating on your previous partners when you lot got together, there's no reason why this couldn't happen again. And, the conditions that brought you lot together could make you more paranoid than usual. Unfortunately, once paranoia creeps into a relationship, information technology can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If your partner has a history of cheating, I propose thinking about the reasons that led to them adulterous in those past relationships. Did the betrayal coincide with the human relationship hitting a bleep?

Sign vi: Online and phone activity has contradistinct

This 1 is tricky, because information technology could indicate cheating, but there could be an equally innocent explanation. Perhaps their cell telephone pings, information technology's a message from someone yous don't recognise and this keeps happening. Or their Google search history is bringing up questions similar where to go out for dinner, when you and your partner haven't recently eaten out. A common example is where a married couple sync their various devices to one another, then forget they've washed so. The phrase "I no longer love my hubby" appeared on 1 client's Google history.

None of these signs are guarantees that your partner is cheating. But, if you lot continue finding yourself feeling suspicious that something's up, and every endeavour to question information technology is batted away with an explanation, showtime paying attention to your instincts. Of class, if you're in a domestic abuse situation, this changes things hugely, and information technology is important to take steps to receiving help—that could be confiding in someone close to yous, or reaching out to an organization that tin can help.

Only otherwise, consider when your suspicions began and how would y'all experience if your partner were adulterous. Whatever the answer, information technology may be useful to seek out a therapist for yourself just to talk some of these feelings through.

Katerina Georgiou is a BACP-acccredited counsellor, psychotherapist and freelance writer based in London. She was previously a Samaritans helpline listener and a life coach for Mind supporting care leavers. She is the host of Audio Affects Podcast, exploring candid conversations about music and mental health with rock stars. For data and inquries, contact her at world wide web.kgcounsellor.com

All views expressed in this piece are the writer's own.

U.S. and Canada: The National Domestic Violence Hotline: ane-800-799-7233 Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project: 1-800-832-1901

UK: National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0808 2000 247
ManKind Initiative: 01823 334244